How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
