The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
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Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
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That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
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