Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
