ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
