I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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