coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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