Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
