she woke up with a sticky ear
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
