Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
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Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
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I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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