found out what b.m.t stands for.
what did you think?
bread, meat, tomatoes, but then i realized that could be practically any sub.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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