a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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