I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
