Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
