Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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