I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
sex in a hospital.. check
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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