yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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