Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
