So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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