i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
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