Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
