Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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