I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
