It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
