I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
