I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
