I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
