PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Randomize
