I am puke
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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