Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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