glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
