Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
