my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
It's official drugs can't kill me
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
