when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
