I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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