i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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