I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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