theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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