sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
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Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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