The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
