Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
