just tell him i said nine months
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I want her autograph on my taint
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
