in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
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My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
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I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
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