Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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