she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
