i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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