Already got asked if we're dating
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
