lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
