when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
