watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
