I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
