Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
