We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
