Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
