Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
