I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Randomize
