I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
