OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
