I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
