someone threw a dead crab at me
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
