dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Randomize
